Not much going on here. I go to school and come home. Lather, rinse, repeat.
I am sinking into the black. The darkness that surrounds the depression is starting to overtake me. I feel so low and empty and lost. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in WV, in my husbands’ parents’ home, in this town. I don’t want to be in this mental state, overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness, loneliness and guilt. I want to be free of this disease, free from the grip it has on me. I can go through periods of relative happiness and we think ‘Oh! It’s gone! I’m finally well!’ But it never goes away. It just steps back and bides it’s time, waiting for a chance to roll back in. Like a thick, black fog that rolls in and settles like a heavy blanket over everything. I can still see beyond the fog right now but before long my visibility will be hampered by the blackness and I’ll be lost again. I was hoping this wouldn’t happen to me but it seems I can’t avoid it. It owns me.
So I guess I’ll start taking medication again. I feel so, so low right now, it scares me. I am afraid of what’s coming if I don’t start taking the meds soon. I keep looking around and thinking ‘How am I here again??’, it’s like a sucker punch to my stomach. It takes my breath away. How am I here?? I don’t belong here. I don’t want to be here!!! I’m stuck here, I can’t change it. I’m stuck. It takes my breath away. It tears at my heart. I am losing hope, losing focus, losing strength. The blackness rolls in and overtakes me.
It’s so beautiful outside today. It’s the perfect day with temperatures in the low 70’s and the sun is shining on everything, warming up our winter hardened earth. Bright blue sky with white puffy clouds rolling around. It’s perfect. It’s the exact opposite of what’s going on in my head and what’s taking over my heart.
Why am I even posting this? I feel stupid for saying it out loud. It’s supposed to stay in my head. Blogs are supposed to be happy and funny and…
I’m not good at this.
