Ha HA! April 4, 2009

My sister turned thirty yesterday!! I’ve been waiting for this day to come for years!!  LOL   I hated being all sad and depressed over saying I was thirty-something and she’d be all ‘I’m 28!’  And have a grin on her face.  Annoying!!  But NOW!!  Now she can’t say she’s in her 20’s anymore.  Hoo Hoo!!  She’s 30, she’s in her 30’s, she’s ooooold, just like the rest of us.  Ha HA!!

*****

I am feeling better today.  Not so depressed and dark as the other day.  I am still terribly homesick and want to move back to NC immediately.  But I am okay today.  I appreciate the comments Mel and Z.   Thank you.  I’ll email you if I’m feeling badly again Zandra.  Although I generally keep those kind of thoughts/comments to myself because no one wants to hear it.  Anyway, thank you.  I am not as low today and the sun is shining.  )

*****

I have to write a research paper that’s due on Tuesday morning.  I dread writing this.  I’m so sick of Lizzie Borden that I don’t want to ever talk about her again for the rest of my life!!  I will feel a lot of joy handing in the paper because it’ll mean I’m DONE with this project.  Yay!  Aside from this paper I have a math test to study for and a big psychology test to study for and several things due in Microsoft to work on.  So I have to get this paper done today and spend the rest of the weekend and Monday studying.   I really don’t like studying for tests, I never know if the stuff will stick in my brain!  Finals week is going to suck!!

Okay, enough procrastination.  I need to start on that stupid paper.  Wish me luck.

Sinking April 2, 2009

Not much going on here.  I go to school and come home.  Lather, rinse, repeat.

I am sinking into the black.  The darkness that surrounds the depression is starting to overtake me.  I feel so low and empty and lost.  I don’t want to be here.  I don’t want to be in WV, in my husbands’ parents’ home, in this town.  I don’t want to be in this mental state, overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness,  loneliness and guilt.   I want to be free of this disease, free from the grip it has on me.  I can go through periods of relative happiness and we think ‘Oh! It’s gone! I’m finally well!’  But it never goes away.  It just steps back and bides it’s time, waiting for a chance to roll back in.  Like a thick, black fog that rolls in and settles like a heavy blanket over everything.  I can still see beyond the fog right now but before long my visibility will be hampered by the blackness and I’ll be lost again.  I was hoping this wouldn’t happen to me but it seems I can’t avoid it.  It owns me.

So I guess I’ll start taking medication again.  I feel so, so low right now, it scares me.  I am afraid of what’s coming if I don’t start taking the meds soon.  I keep looking around and thinking ‘How am I here again??’, it’s like a sucker punch to my stomach.  It takes my breath away.  How am I here??  I don’t belong here.  I don’t want to be here!!!  I’m stuck here, I can’t change it.  I’m stuck.  It takes my breath away.  It tears at my heart.  I am losing hope, losing focus, losing strength.   The blackness rolls in and overtakes me.

It’s so beautiful outside today.  It’s the perfect day with temperatures in the low 70’s and the sun is shining on everything, warming up our winter hardened earth.  Bright blue sky with white puffy clouds rolling around.  It’s perfect.  It’s the exact opposite of what’s going on in my head and what’s taking over my heart.

Why am I even posting this?  I feel stupid for saying it out loud.  It’s supposed to stay in my head.  Blogs are supposed to be happy and funny and…

I’m not good at this.