I have been feeling rather sad lately. I’m not sure if it’s PMS that is causing my funk. Possibly. I have been so homesick for Wilmington lately. I miss it terribly and long to go back. I picture driving down Oleander or Market St. Or going to JoAnn’s or the mall. I can picture the drive to the beach and see all of the traffic. It’s like I’m really there in my head, everything is so clear and oh my god- I miss it so badly. I end up a sobbing mess when I start thinking about it. It’s like I’ve been ripped away from my heart- my heart is in Wilmington. I miss it so, so much. I’ve been going on the Out of Sight, Out of Mind theory since we moved here as a way of coping with the sudden and unexpected move. If I just don’t think about it, I won’t care where I am. And for a long time that has worked well for me. I went to school, did my homework, did laundry, played video games, tried new recipes, drove really fast where ever I was going. I have been existing here but not living.
This last week has been rough emotionally. I’ve been sick with a cold since the day after I got over the stomach bug and the cold has just gotten worse and worse until today. So I’ve been feeling awful physically which sort of leads to it affecting me emotionally. I am not making any friends at school and I feel so worthless- no one cares enough about me to make any effort to get to know me. I chat with people all of the time but even when it’s with someone I sit with every week in class, it never becomes any more than an extremely casual acquaintance. I am so incredibly lonely here. There is no real place to go for friends. I don’t associate much outside of my religion for several reasons and my congregation is- old. There are about 30 people there with the youngest woman being in her 50’s. And I’ve known them all since 1992 and I know them well enough to know we do not have any hope of being close. At all.
Other than them, there is my mother-in-law and she and I don’t click. She has always looked down on me (I am not who she wanted her son to marry!!) and has made it clear to me than she can not wait for us to move out. I am not up to her standards because I’m not a neat person and my apartment is usually cluttered. Cleanliness is kind of how she judges a persons worth. (I’m waaay not worthy!! LOL) Nothing about me is good enough for her- how I parent my children, how I treat my husband, how I keep house, etc. She makes me feel so bad about myself. We get along fine but it will never be more than what it is now- superficial.
So I am very lonely and very homesick. If I knew we could make plans to move back to NC in 6 months or even a year, I wouldn’t feel so bad. But right now it’s basically at the point where it will never happen at all. That kills me. I can not even express enough how much I miss it. I’d go back tomorrow if I was given the chance. If Dave could find a job down there…. that’s all it hinges on. Work. Dave needs to be able to find enough work to support us. But the economy is so bad right now that I don’t think it’s possible. I don’t even care about finishing my sign language degree here. I’d take something else in the schools down there if we could go back. I’m stunned at how hard this is hitting me. I am so homesick!!
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Change of subject!! How ’bout some pictures!!! Here are a bunch of random shots I’ve taken- some of the kids and some of the countryside here and on the way to town.
I need to get better pics of the kids! I’ll have to work on that.
See the huge drop off on the right side? It goes about a mile down into a deep valley. And straight up a hill on the other side. The topography here is insane! It can’t be fully explained. People from other states are usually terrified to drive on the ‘ridges’ here. I can’t blame them but I usually end up doing around 50 mph every chance I get. LOL
Windy roads!!
You can see for miles across the ridges. It’s hard to tell from this pic how deep that valley is and how sharp the drop is.
This is at the bottom of ‘the hill’. Just a mile or so from the road that takes you into town. That is the bottom of a hill that goes straight up. You can’t see it but there is a creek that runs right in front of those ice formations. It runs for miles and miles.
Pretty sunset tonight. I love sunsets and sunrises, they are one of my most favorite things to photograph.
And that’s the last one. It’s late and I have an early class tomorrow.
