Sad March 31, 2009

I have been feeling rather sad lately.  I’m not sure if it’s PMS that is causing my funk.  Possibly.  I have been so homesick for Wilmington lately.  I miss it terribly and long to go back.  I picture driving down Oleander or Market St.  Or going to JoAnn’s or the mall.  I can picture the drive to the beach and see all of the traffic.  It’s like I’m really there in my head, everything is so clear and oh my god- I miss it so badly.  I end up a sobbing mess when I start thinking about it.  It’s like I’ve been ripped away from my heart- my heart is in Wilmington.  I miss it so, so much.  I’ve been going on the Out of Sight, Out of Mind theory since we moved here as a way of coping with the sudden and unexpected move.  If I just don’t think about it, I won’t care where I am.  And for a long time that has worked well for me.  I went to school, did my homework, did laundry, played video games, tried new recipes, drove really fast where ever I was going.  I have been existing here but not living.

This last week has been rough emotionally.  I’ve been sick with a cold since the day after I got over the stomach bug and the cold has just gotten worse and worse until today.  So I’ve been feeling awful physically which sort of leads to it affecting me emotionally.  I am not making any friends at school and I feel so worthless-  no one cares enough about me to make any effort to get to know me.  I chat with people all of the time but even when it’s with someone I sit with every week in class, it never becomes any more than an extremely casual acquaintance.   I am so incredibly lonely here.  There is no real place to go for friends.  I don’t associate much outside of my religion for several reasons and my congregation is- old.  There are about 30 people there with the youngest woman being in her 50’s.  And I’ve known them all since 1992 and I know them well enough to know we do not have any hope of being close.  At all.

Other than them, there is my mother-in-law and she and I don’t click.  She has always looked down on me (I am not who she wanted her son to marry!!) and has made it clear to me than she can not wait for us to move out.  I am not up to her standards because I’m not a neat person and my apartment is usually cluttered.  Cleanliness is kind of how she judges a persons worth.  (I’m waaay not worthy!!  LOL)  Nothing about me is good enough for her- how I parent my children, how I treat my husband, how I keep house, etc.  She makes me feel so bad about myself.  We get along  fine but it will never be more than what it is now- superficial.

So I am very lonely and very homesick.  If I knew we could make plans to move back to NC in 6 months or even a year, I wouldn’t feel so bad.  But right now it’s basically at the point where it will never happen at all.  That kills me.  I can not even express enough how much I miss it.  I’d go back tomorrow if I was given the chance.   If Dave could find a job down there…. that’s all it hinges on.  Work.  Dave needs to be able to find enough work to support us.  But the economy is so bad right now that I don’t think it’s possible.   I don’t even care about finishing my sign language degree here.  I’d take something else in the schools down there if we could go back.  I’m stunned at how hard this is hitting me.  I am so homesick!!

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Change of subject!!  How ’bout some pictures!!!  Here are a bunch of random shots I’ve taken- some of the kids and some of the countryside here and on the way to town.

I need to get better pics of the kids!   I’ll have to work on that.

See the huge drop off on the right side?  It goes about a mile down into a deep valley.  And straight up a hill on the other side.  The topography here is insane!  It can’t be fully explained.  People from other states are usually terrified to drive on the ‘ridges’ here.  I can’t blame them but I usually end up doing around 50 mph every chance I get.  LOL

Windy roads!!

You can see for miles across the ridges.   It’s hard to tell from this pic how deep that valley is and how sharp the drop is.

This is at the bottom of ‘the hill’.  Just a mile or so from the road that takes you into town.  That is the bottom of a hill that goes straight up.  You can’t see it but there is a creek that runs right in front of those ice formations.  It runs for miles and miles.

Pretty sunset tonight.  I love sunsets and sunrises, they are one of my most favorite things to photograph.

And that’s the last one.  It’s late and I have an early class tomorrow.

Procrastinator March 25, 2009

Hello, my name is Mandi and I am a procrastinator.  The first step to wellness is admitting you have a problem, right?   Well, I have a problem!!  I have put off some school work and now it’s all coming due and I’m sort of freaking out.  I have a speech to write and then give by Monday.  I don’t even have a topic figured out yet.  I’ve had the absolute worst time figuring out what to give the speech on.  I’ve looked up a bunch of things only to discover it’s hard to research or there is way too much information to narrow down into a 5 minute speech or I just plain don’t like the subject after I research it.  So now my outline is overdue and my speech has to be given in less than a week.  I will be so SO happy to be done with this class.  But I have half a dozen more speeches to give before I can be set free.  *sob*

I have a research paper due on Tuesday morning and I haven’t started it yet.  Partly due to laziness and partly due to being busy with other things.  I don’t think it’ll be as hard as the 5 minute speech though.  It will be longer (at least 5 pages long) but I already know my subject and I just have to start writing.  I will be locking the kids out of my room over the weekend.   I have to write several drafts before I turn in the paper and I still have some reading to do on the subject of my paper.  I much prefer smaller assignments that don’t take up so much time and brain cells.

Aaand, to add to the pile of papers that need written, I was given an assignment in psychology last night that will be due next Tuesday evening that is another research paper I have to write.  It’s the last thing I need right now.  More researching and more papers to write.  Some days being a full-time student is very overwhelming to me.  I feel like the time I spend doing other ‘family’ things is bad because I should be doing school work.  And it doesn’t help at all that I am a procrastinator by nature.  I annoy myself!  I sometimes think I have a very mild form of ADD because I can’t focus in certain areas of my life.  I become easily overwhelmed when I’m faced with a large task or list of tasks that need to be accomplished.   It seems like I do well in one or two areas of my life and the rest of my life gets only parts of my attention or nearly none at all.  I can’t divide myself equally into the various aspects of my life in order to give each part adequate attention.  It’s an illness, I’m telling ya.

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I am trying to wrap my brain around a terrible tragedy that happened locally this week.  A young man in my speech class was jogging on the railroad tracks listening to his iPod when a train came along.  He must have had the music up extremely high if he couldn’t hear the horn blaring or the breaks screeching when the train engineer was trying to stop.  According to news reports, there were people along the sides of the tracks trying to signal to him, wave to him, trying desperately trying to get his attention but he never noticed anyone or anything.  He was hit by the train and died.  An 18 year old boy- gone.  Just like that.

My speech teacher acknowledged his absence in class today and had to take a few minutes to keep from losing his composure.  It’s so awful to think about the reasons why he wasn’t in class.  And that he’d never be in class again.   I was surprised to see his buddies in class.  They were very quiet and subdued.  I have to give them so much credit for even coming to school at all.   With all of the news reports lately about Natasha Richardson’s death and Jade Goody’s death and now this boy’s sudden death- I’ve been feeling the fragility of life.  How easily we could lose our child or spouse or parent or friend or- anyone.  I am trying to change how I interact with my kids (not always succeeding!) and just remembering how blessed I am in this life to have what I have.   And with the loss of Dave’s job and our home in NC, it would be so easy to mourn what we no longer have and cry because I’m in a state I don’t like.  But I’ve seen what other families are going through and I see where they are forced to live and how low the economy has brought them and I can only rejoice in my blessings.  I don’t like WV but I have a roof over my head, a weekly income that pays the important bills, family to turn to in times of need and the faith that our God will never allow us to go without our basic needs.   How blessed am I.

Next time, I’ll drink it!! March 20, 2009

The GermX stuff that is!!  LOL  Slathering it all over my hands every 5 minutes didn’t do the trick!  I came down with the GI bug while in Cleveland- ON my anniversary!!   Talk about suckage!!  We spent most of the day in doctor’s offices and I was nauseous the entire day.  I should have been in bed sleeping but it was not possible.  So, here is an update on all of Dave’s medical issues….

We went to see an endocrinologist due to thyroid problems.  After the doctor examined him, we were told that he doesn’t have a nodule on his thyroid as we thought.  He said that what we were feeling was a salivary gland that is swollen.  He wanted to do some blood work to check his TSH levels and then referred us to an Ear, Nose, Throat doctor to address the swollen salivary gland, a cyst he has on his ear and pain he has in his throat.  They got us in that day because we are out of town patients.  We went to the lab for the blood work and then we found a place and had lunch.  We drove around Cleveland for a while since had several hours to kill.   We were looking for pawn shops so I could see about buying a used acoustic guitar but we found none.  We went back to the hospital when it was time (I was dying for a nap at this point and sooo sick to my stomach!!!) and met with the ENT doctor.

They examined Dave and we walked out with orders for a CT of his neck and drugs for acid reflux.  Basically they said that the swollen salivary gland is due to a stone and they ordered a CT to see how large it is.  If it’s too big to flush out, they’ll operate and remove the gland.  They said there is a higher chance of it becoming infected because of all the bacteria in the mouth so they can’t just leave it.  They took a look at his throat using a small scope up/down his nose and said his reflux is pretty severe and has damaged the tissues of his throat which is causing him pain now.  They gave us a prescription for Prilosec or something but it costs $45o.00 per month(!!!) and we obviously aren’t getting it filled.  As for the large cyst on his earlobe, they said it should come off because it will continue to grow if left alone.   After they get the results of the CT scan and find out how big the salivary stone is, they’ll schedule Dave for either surgery to cover both the stone and the cyst at one time.  Or, if the stone is small and can be flushed out, he’ll just go in to get the cyst removed.

And that’s it.   He went for one issue and left dealing with about 5 issues.  LOL  But nothing is serious and for that we are grateful.  I can not say enough about the Cleveland Clinic!!  It was the best experience we’ve ever had in a medical setting.  They were professional and kind and extremely efficient.  The facilities are beautiful and state-of-the-art.  The doctors spend a ton of time talking to you, getting as much information as possible and follow up immediately.   We were shocked and pleasantly surprised at how nicely the day went.  If I hadn’t of felt so very miserable, it wouldn’t have been a bad day at all.  Not that I’d want to ever spend my anniversary in a hospital again……   LOL

And speaking of my anniversary!!  We went to Damon’s for dinner on Wednesday night and it was an epic FAIL!  I was not feeling too bad when we got seated but after my salad came and I ate some of it I started to feel worse.  When our dinners were served I took 2 bites and was done.  I felt so, so sick after that.  I wanted to leave and crawl into bed but Dave had ordered a steak and they take a while to eat so I sat and watched him eat it as fast as he could.  I felt so guilty for ruining our anniversary meal because the food was actually really, really good.   When he was done and it was paid for we left and rushed back to the hotel.  I stripped and crawled into bed.  I felt horrible.  I fell asleep in about 30 minutes and couldn’t wake up for anything.  I woke up several times through the night thinking I was going to throw up but never did until about 4:45am.  I was so extremely nauseous  though that by that point I was seriously considering sticking a finger down my throat to just get some relief from the nausea.  Turns out I didn’t need to!!   I got sick, brushed my teeth and crawled back into bed a happier person.  I woke up at 6am when the alarm went off at full volume scared the hell out of me and was back to misery again.  I told Dave that if I threw up again we were not driving home that day, we were spending another night because I was NOT going anywhere!  He went to get his CT scan and I went back to sleep.  I was shocked that I didn’t get sick again because I sure did feel horrible.   I was feeling better (less horrible) when he got back so around 11:30 we packed up, checked out and went home.

One of my anniversary gifts was delivered when I was in Cleveland so I opened it when I got home.  I got a Wii fit for the days when I don’t feel like going or can not make it to the gym.  I’ve been feeling too rotten to do more than open it and look at it.  I didn’t turn it on or even put the batteries in yet.  Maybe tomorrow.  I also bought myself a small pocket-sized camera for my anniversary gift.  I got a Samsung L100 and it’s tiny, pink and just plain cute.  It takes decent pics and I’m really pleased with it thus far.  But, again, being sick has really hampered my enjoyment of anything at the moment.  I have a great camera already but it’s huge and taking it with me for an outing (like a basketball game) is nerve wracking because I’m so afraid to drop it or have it stolen.  So I wanted to get something I can toss in my purse and this Samsung fits the bill.   I wasn’t picky.  I wanted something with decent mega pixels and that was slim.   I usually research things like this and find exactly what I want but I didn’t have enough time this week.  The only thing I wish it had was a 5x optical zoom, it only has a 3x zoom which I’m not crazy about.  But it’s not a deal breaker for me.

Dave got tickets to an NBA game for his anniversary and we went to that game on Tuesday night.  It started off a bit rocky for me because before I started feeling nauseated, I had a toothache that made my ear hurt.  So the noise of the cheering and screaming and banging and all the hoopla was painful for me to endure.  After a while my ear stopped hurting (thank you Tylenol!) and I really got into all the cheering and screaming and hoopla myself and had a great time.  It was an exciting game, very close right up to the end when the Cavs won the game.  There were a billion people in that stadium and it got extremely loud in there with all the cheering going on.  After it was over the halls were  packed with people trying to go down the escalator and for a while it was wall to wall people and we weren’t moving.  I was very uncomfortable with that!!!  We made it to the escalators but I chose to find stairs to use instead.  I hate escalators in the very best of circumstances.  So having thousands of people rushing to get on them behind and in front of me- forget it!!  We took the stairs and were out in no time.  Our parking garage had no elevators so we had to hoof it to the 4th floor- in the dark since the stairwells had no lights in them.  I am nervous about crowds anyway and that just made it so much worse.  I just wanted OUT and couldn’t wait to climb into the relative safety of our van.  Really, it was not a big deal and no one tried to pick our pockets or steal my purse or rape me.  LOL  I am a bit of a safety freak and again- I hate large crowds.  I do not feel safe at all.  We had a great time though and I’d do it again if Dave bought us tickets to another game.

The other part of Dave’s gift this year was that I bought him a small amp for his guitar and I put his guitar in the shop to be fixed finally.  It hasn’t worked for over 10 years I think.   I tried to buy him a new case for his guitar but he didn’t want it so I took it back and just asked for a credit at the store.  It’ll pay for the guitar being fixed and the cord for the amp that I forgot to buy and for the guitar to be restrung and whatever else Dave needs or wants.   He’s really excited to finally get it back.  I had planned this as his gift for our anniversary last year but we were broke so we couldn’t afford anything at all.  When I told him my gift idea he said he would have loved it and is disappointed that we couldn’t do it.  So it was something I knew he’d like.  Buying him gifts is the hardest thing in the world!!  He’s sooo hard to buy for.  I always end up irritated or frustrated or just feeling really bad because I didn’t get him anything he loves.  He never complains about anything I’ve bought him, he’s genuinely appreciative for anything he gets.  But you can tell if a gift is truly loved or not and he rarely truly loves gifts he gets.  This year, he loves the gifts!  So yay me!  LOL

When we celebrate our anniversary, we really want to include everyone and buy gifts for the kids but it has rarely happened because we are usually too broke to do anything more than cards. We’ve been saving money each week since the beginning of the year so we had plenty to buy them a gift or 2.  I bought them each a small toy and we bought a big toy that was for all to share.  We wanted to get Guitar Hero for the Wii since they go straight for that any time they see it in a store on display.  They love playing that game.  We weren’t sure if we would put out the money though for it since we had to go to Cleveland and all for a few days.  But before we left for home yesterday we stopped at KMart and walked through their electronics section and found a ton of stuff on clearance.   They had GH bundles for PS2, PS3 and XBox on clearance but none for the Wii.  We have a PS2 and seeing as how the game was only $48, we went ahead and bought it for them.  We got them the Aerosmith one.  I’ve never played it before and have discovered that I really suck at Guitar Hero!!  LOL  It takes more eye/hand coordination than I have.  Max does exceptionally well at it (of course!) and Dave picked up the technique pretty quickly.  All of us girls have a long way to go though.  We all did horribly.  heh  It’s a lot of fun to play, and since I didn’t have to move much while playing it, I joined in for a bit last night.   Same can’t be said for the Wii Fit right now.  I keep looking at it wishing I felt well enough to try it.  Hopefully tomorrow.  My mom and my sister both bought one recently so we can all Wii Fit together now.  LOL  Being sick has given me a head start on the weight loss too- I’ve lost about 6 pounds this week simply from not eating.  I’ve been too nauseous to eat much of anything since Tuesday night.  It’s not a diet plan I recommend though.  LOL

Okay, off to heckle the musicians……