Sleep is OverRated! May 9, 2008

I am awake.  It is 1:28am as of this moment.  I am not sleepy.  I expect I’ll be up for a couple more hours.  My medication is giving me the worst insomnia.  I go to bed and toss and turn for hours.  I’ve tried getting up in the morning, despite being zombie-tired and then staying up all day and going to bed at ‘normal’ hours.  I had insomnia those nights.  I have tried sleeping for part of the day.  And naturally, I have insomnia those nights too.  It’s frustrating, I don’t know how to manage this.  I am really hoping that after a while, as my meds level off in my system, I will be able to sleep at night again.   I miss sleeping at night.  Although, I am a total night owl and it’s not an unnatural thing for me to be awake late at night.  Of course, at 4am, it’s wearing thin to still be wide awake!!  The strange thing is, I can drop in bed at 11pm and be yawning every 2 minutes, dying to fall asleep.  But when the lights go off and the house gets quiet, my brain is just awake.  I am awake.  I don’t feel sleepy.  I feel physically tired.  But not sleepy and mentally I’m wired.  And then!!  When I do fall asleep, I sleep okay but when I am woken up, no matter how much sleep I’ve gotten- I’m awake.  Can not fall back asleep to save my life.  Can’t win!  I’m a mess!!

Right now I am passing my time watching the early episodes of The Hills.   LOL  I hear about it all of the time but know absolutely nothing about it.  I just know it’s popular with teens and it’s a fake reality show.  I found out that Mtv has full episodes on their site and took a look.  I’m starting with episode one and seeing what the deal is.  To be honest, I’m sort of interested in it.   LOL  Is 33 years old too old to watch this show??  I’m sure their main demographic is 15-21 year olds.  And 21 years old may be pushing it!  LOL  I don’t know how anyone can actually believe that this is an unscripted reality show.  But, it’s fun and frivolous to watch.  It helps pass the time.   I’m sort of jealous of these girls- so young, no real responsibility, their lives stretching out ahead of them……But I also would not want to be a young girl in this day.  It was hard enough being a teen in the early 90’s.  I don’t know how kids deal with the pressure put on them now.  It comes from them at all sides.  I actually fear for my children’s teen years.  I will be super overprotective and mean.  They may hate me!!  heh

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I am part of a craft website thing.  I recently signed up for a craft swap.  It was a photo swap and we were supposed to take pics of our local area and send at least 24 pics plus a picture frame to our partner.   Awesome!! And easy peasy!  I took some pics and also weeded through all of the ones I’ve taken here over the past 2 years. I have taken some really decent pics.  Nothing to get ga-ga over but still, I’m pleased with them.  I got partnered up with someone from Gettysburg, PA.  Let me say, I hate the state of Pennsylvania.  My apologies to those from there or those who currently live there.  But I’ve driven through it a dozen times and I despise that state.  So, my partner is from PA.  I get over the disappointment and get on w/ my pictures.  I know that PA is Amish country and Gettysburg is rich in history w/ the civil war and all.   I look forward to getting some really cool pics of things I’ve not seen before.  Wednesday was send-out day.  My partner and I decide to trade pics online.  She emailed me her pics and I tried to email mine to her.  I couldn’t get that to work so I just burned a disc with the pictures and sent it with the frame.  So, I get all of the pics from her.  Probably about 70 or so.  Um.  I was heartily disappointed with what I got.  90% of them look like she gave the camera to her child and had them give it a go.  Half of them are not even from Gettysburg!  I got ones from Pittsburgh, Cleveland and the beach in Alabama.  And they were not worth sending.  Especially the beach ones.  Hello!  I LIVE at the beach!!  LOL  The ones she took of a battlefield were interesting, I’ve never seen one before.  But this girl could not take a decent picture.  She actually sent me a picture of the woods, the overgrowth at the edge of the woods.   I didn’t get that one.  At all.  Here are my ‘favorites’…..

That one is a typical Pennsylvania town.  Ugh!  Every single town we stopped to eat in when we had to travel through PA looked exactly like this.  Seriously.  And we never had to go that far south through PA.

Out of focus, uh, weed….

And a tree stump.

I may sound petty.  But seriously.  These photos are so sad!!  There are so many photos that were taken through the window of a moving car.   I was gypped!!   It’s like she did not even care.

Here are some of the photos I sent her:

They are not exactly gallery-worthy or anything, but I think they are pretty decent.  Aren’t they??

Anyway- I am disappointed in this swap.  I need a do-over.  I would not print any of the photos I got from her.  Not one.

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Tomorrow, I hope to get out and pick strawberries with Ms. Elaina.  I wanted to get some last year, blueberries too.  But I never was able to get to it and then Dave’s work dried up so bad we could not afford it. The little farm that sells them doesn’t stay open past Memorial day.  Or somewhere around there.  So I need to get to it very soon.  I especially want blueberries because they freeze super well and I looove blueberry pancakes, muffins- anything ‘blueberry’.   I think we’ll have fun!!  And the rain better go around us, like it usually does!!

Dress Up May 6, 2008

Elaina needs dresses so I decided to make her one yesterday.  I chose a simple pattern, it didn’t need a zipper or buttons or any notions at all.  That is a huge time saver!  She loves it.  I like it too, it’s bright and colorful.  I put it on her and took pictures of the front and back and all that.  I showed them to my mom earlier today and she said something about the dress being a little revealing.  I couldn’t understand what she was talking about.  Until I took a closer look at one of the pictures.

The slit on the front of her dress goes down to the bottom of her ribcage!  LOL  I had no idea!  I have a white tank with spaghetti straps that I can put under it.  I will look for a blue tank this weekend.  Other than the fact that she could accidentally expose a nipple when she moves, the dress came out adorable.

Here is the front:

She doesn’t understand how to pose with a nice smile.  This is the best I could get out of her when I said to smile.  This is how she wanted to pose:

Fine.  I suppose.  But I wanted a better picture of the front of her dress.

Here is the back of her dress:

The blue fabric is 100% pima cotton and it’s rather stiff.  The flower fabric is cheap, thin cotton.  The dress is rather crisp.  It holds it’s shape.  There is very little twirl in it though.  I’ll have to make her one with major twirl, like the one Zandra made for her daughter.

Here is the twirl factor:

I’d give it a 1.5 out of 10.   It actually looks like that without twirling.  So I am giving her sympathy points.  LOL    Did I mention that the cotton is rather stiff?

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I think I am going to have to sit and have more serious, more in-depth talks with Madeline about puberty.  She was complaining that she had pain in her lower abdomen off and on today.  She know about periods and I told her that it could happen before too long.  Especially since last week she was so grouchy, way more than is normal for her on a bad day.  I got to thinking about how I will need to talk to her a little more than I originally did when I explained what a period is.  And that got me thinking about what else comes with puberty.  She’ll get armpit hair!!  And that got me thinking about her needing to shave.  Then I had to contemplate teaching my 11 year old daughter how to shave.  Then I freaked out and changed the subject in my head.  Talking about the weather seemed more appropriate.  And safe.  So I discussed the weather with myself.

Truthful…………………….Here is my truth about Madeline…….

I don’t have a very good relationship with Madeline.  It boils down to the fact that I never bonded with her.  I love her, very much.  I want her to be happy, be safe, enjoy her life.  I want nothing but good for her and I worry about her safety and well-being.  The base motherly instinct is there.  Protective and all that.  But emotionally, there is a wall.  It’s me, not her.  Talking about this, saying it out loud, makes me cry, and it really hurts my heart.  Because I know it’s not fair for her and she wants so badly to be close to me.  I don’t know how to be what she needs.  I am extremely uncomfortable talking to her, just chatting with her feels unnatural to me.   I am heartbroken just saying that, admitting that.  But it is my truth.  I am also extremely uncomfortable being physically affectionate.  Hugs are awkward and again, it feels very unnatural to me.  I know that one would suggest that I just force myself to do it more often and after a while it’ll become easier.  But it’s so bad for me that I can not bring myself to hug her.  What kind of a mother can’t hug her child??  I can hug the other kids and talk to them and even though it makes uncomfortable, I can do it.  With Madeline it’s different.  There is a wall up that I don’t know how to remove it or climb over.  And I see how she is with me, how she says things to me.  She needs me.  To hug her and hold her and tell her I love her and that she is special to me and all that.  She is desperate for my affection.  And I sob because I do love her, so very much, and I do think she is special and I want only good for her.  I just can’t translate how I feel into action and words.  I am broken.  It hurts so much.

So, when I think about needing to have ‘the talk’ with Madeline, I fall apart.  Because I do not know how to relate to her, I do not know how to have a conversation with her.  I always hope that as she gets older my walls will start to go away and I’ll be able to bond with her.  But will it be too late by then?  Will I have alienated her and broken her spirit?  I can’t stand the thought that I am going to cause damage to her because of my emotional problems.

I am so envious of moms who can hug and snuggle and kiss on their kids.  Who love to play with them and chat with them. Who crave and enjoy the company of their kids.   I’ve never been able to do this, ever.  I wonder if my spirit was broken on some level when I was a child.

I love my children.  So much.  But I am broken and I don’t know how to fix me.

Cows…we have cows! May 3, 2008

Dave and I took the kids to a live band this evening.  We have free music here every Friday from May until September.  They set it up on a huge lawn out behind a gigantic shopping center in town.  It’s all free and they have a couple of food booths set up if you want to buy your dinner there, some offer free samples and free waters and such.  Everyone brings chairs or towels or blankets to sit on.  A lot of people bring their own food and set up a picnic.  The kids run around and play and dance.  It’s a blast!  There was a Chick-fil-a mascot (a cow, of course!) there and Elaina couldn’t get enough of her.  She kept going over for hugs and high-fives and when she was given a beach ball by a sponsor, she played catch with her new friend over and over.  The cow went over to the open area near the front to dance with the kids and Elaina just had to go dance with her.  She was in love.  LOL  Samantha, on the other hand…..was a gigantic chicken. (chicken! ha!!)  She wanted to hug the cow but could not get the courage up to do it.  She needed Elaina to go with her and even then, it took her several tries to work up the nerve to get close to the cow.  LOL  She’s a nut!  It was funny watching Samantha grab on to Elaina’s hand like it was her life-line.  She would not let Elaina get away.  Her 4 year old little sister.  Her savior. 

I have decided to give risotto a shot this weekend.  I got the recipe from The Pioneer Woman and it looks divine and so easy to do.  So I am going to give it a shot.  My biggest issue is the cost of the cheese.  Whole (real) cheeses are freakin’ expensive!!  I can almost take my entire family out to dinner with what it would cost to buy 2 blocks of the cheese I need.   I only looked in one store but if that store is any indication of the cost, then there will be no risotto for me.   I’m really bummed.  But I’ve gotten the rice, the chicken stock (actually, I think I need broth….) and the garlic thus far.  I will maybe buy the cheese next week when finances aren’t so tight (it’s rent week).  I sure hope risotto is something that will knock my sock off because if it sucks, I will have wasted sooo much money!!  There are several other recipes over at The Pioneer Woman’s site that I feel the need to try.  Especially THIS!!  Oooh, yummy!  I don’t know how I’ve never heard of The Pioneer Woman’s website until recently.  I love her!  I want to be her best friend!  LOL